i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
