he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
