ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
