How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
