I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
