Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
