There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
