I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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