u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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