The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Too much gin, very little bucket
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
