i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
