I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
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The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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