yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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