She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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