You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just blew my weed a kiss
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
