I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
