you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
