Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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