I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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