You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
