Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
