I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
