After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
