there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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