Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
worst night to have a conscience
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
