how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
