i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
