I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I have fence marks all over my body
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
