Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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