When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize