my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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