Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
