Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
