I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
