I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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