She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
as a side note pls kill me
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