3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
