I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
