Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
