last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
