my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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