I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
