I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
