I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
