when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
