why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You were trust falling into bushes
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
