Cold hands, warm shart.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
