in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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