She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
