I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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