Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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