The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
