Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
