Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
