I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
