omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
