I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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