mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
