You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
