thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
