Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
